The Heart of Couple Therapy: Knowing What to Do and How to Do It by Ellen F. Wachtel

Author:Ellen F. Wachtel [Wachtel, Ellen F.]
Language: eng
Format: azw3
ISBN: 9781462528196
Publisher: Guilford Publications
Published: 2016-10-24T04:00:00+00:00

Siblings

Ideally, I would ask the same type of questions about siblings as I did about the parents and grandparents—for example, adjectives that describe them, stories that bring to life the adjectives, what their relationships are like, and so on. But realistically, there is seldom time for this much detail. Instead I start by getting basic information—for example, ages, marital or relationship status, children, where they live, and the like. Then I simply ask “What do you think is important for me to know about each of your siblings—what stands out about them?”

I ask too what the relationship with each sibling was like when they were growing up and what’s it like now. Since my goal is to learn as much as possible about the individual concerns and perceptions of the person whose genogram I’m doing, I also ask questions that encourage self-reflection. So, for instance, I might ask, “Which of your siblings do you think is most like you?”; “Most different from you?”; “What characteristics do you share?”; “How did your family background affect you similarly or differently?” Comparative questions such as these often help the person talk about how they see their strengths and weaknesses. Oscar, for example, the principal of a charter school that had recently been cited as one of the most successful ones nationwide, described his sister as “much smarter than me”—a comment that surprised his long-time partner, Carmen. This was a deeply held belief by Oscar, despite the fact that he had an EdD as well as an MA in public health and had clearly more than made up for his mediocre performance in grade school. Similarly, when Jaime said in a self-disparaging tone that his brother was braver and more of a risk-taker, his wife concurred, but saw this character trait as an asset of Jaime’s not a deficit.

In general, with siblings too, I regularly ask for input from the listening spouse. “What’s your take on this? How do you see their relationship?” Often the spouse basically agrees with how the siblings have been described, but nonetheless, s/he may add a detail that enhances the portrait presented. For instance, John said of Sarah’s brother, “He’s good-hearted but more out of it than Sienna realizes. I think because she’s used to him she just doesn’t notice how strange he is—like when he visited us during our vacation at the beach and sat under the umbrella wearing a jacket and tie!” Or Marie said of Anthony and his brother: “Yes, I agree that his brother can be a bully and they butt heads—but a lot of the time they’re like kids having a fight—they roll around on the floor and wrestle with each other—and when one of them gets hurt accidentally, they scream at each other just like my kids. And Anthony left out that when they’re together they drink a lot, and that’s how the fights start.”

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